Filed under: What really grinds my gears | Tags: cigarettes, Life, people, revelations, stink
The world waits for no one. We just expect it to, out of some twisted logic that the world owes us. Wake up and smell the roses or you’ll be left standing on the asphalt staring at the dirt they left behind.
Dear You,
I have spent the last few days living in a dream, in my own carefully constructed bubble. Big dreams, I am living in a big dream. So much so that I almost forget to return to reality. I’ve been dreaming of getting a job, dreaming of ideas and projects. But never really doing much about it. I need to get my head out of the clouds.
How have you been doing? I’ve been pretty disillusioned with everything around me. But that’s just the wimp in me whining again, as usual.
.
There are many things that I dislike in people. I hate hypocrisy, selfishness, pettiness, possessiveness the list goes on. I cannot tolerate these qualities , because they are a mirror in which I see me. Does that make sense? It’s like looking at them reminds me of who I can be sometimes, and I know that I am absolutely capable of swinging to the extreme emotion, have done so on many occasions in fact. They are mirrors, mirrors in which all my faults are amplified and blown up, and I especially hate to see my faults so openly displayed. I am too big a hypocrite.
But enough about me for now. How are you? Where are you now? I miss you badly, and I hope to find you again soon. Be it looking through my old stuff, my new stuff, I see traces of you around. I will never forget the only piece that I have dedicated to you. The irony of it all is that it was initially written as an ode to my depression, and I changed it only as a frantic last minute submission. Will you forgive me for that?
Love always and forever,
Me
It is good to have conversations with old friends, even despite the awkwardness that ensues for a moment, because we’ll soon be back to talking like we’d never stopped. I miss you all like crazy and once I get over me and my stupid ideas, I will drop you a message soon. I promise. Till then, I love you and please keep safe. I’ll arrange for dinners soon.
Dear You,
There is a silence amidst all this bustle. A silence that knows all, and tells all. Sometimes I get little bits of information passed on to me, other times, it mocks me. I’m at a place where people are coming and going. Coming and going. Why do you come, why do you go. Why do you stay, why do you leave?
I remember dreams, dreams of people I’ve met. Of people I’ve yet to meet. Of situations, events that have occurred and ones that have yet to take place. Of me, and you. Fantasies and nightmares. Fairy tales and horror films. Maybe all I know now is just a dream, and I’ll wake up one day to find myself a different person in a totally different place.
What would it be like to wake up to find that everything you’ve ever known has disappeared, and all around you has changed. I think that’s one of the causes for many a sleepless night. Fear of the unknown tomorrow. An irrational fear that the minute I close my eyes and surrender to Morpheus, I will cease to exist, and that scares the crap out of me. The funny thing is, I border sometimes on wanting to be someone special in other people’s lives, to live and to live with passion and love, and sometimes wanting nothing more than to be nonexistent, to be the invisible shadow who observes from Heaven or around, not being seen or heard.
Sometimes when I am alone, and being absolutely honest to myself, I can admit that many a times, too many in fact, I have sat alone and wondered what would it be like to cross the line, to fall back to being who I never wanted to be. Or did I want to be that and this is who I do not want to be? I can’t say for sure myself. It’s a situation that is within my ability to allow to happen. It is not an occurrence that has passed me by and will now only wave to me from a safe distance away. Yet, I do not dare to make it happen, I do not dare to make it a reality. I do not dare. Four words, just four words to put up barriers and shields. Will they hold, or will they topple when it really counts?
I wonder, why do I stay and why do I leave? Why do I watch from a distance, and sigh to myself. What about you? What are your reasons for staying, for leaving?
Love always,
Me.
Filed under: Through my eyes, What really grinds my gears | Tags: Drained, Going loco, I don't like me, Life
Fuck this, fuck you, fuck me. Go away, go away, go away. Please.
